


Could Have Been Worse, She Could Have Asked Zetsu

by karakuri_wordweaver



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, It's because I'm Juubito trash, M/M, Please don't ask why Obito is still the juubi jinchuuriki, Sloaners Secret Santa 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:47:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22074964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karakuri_wordweaver/pseuds/karakuri_wordweaver
Summary: That feeling when you want to cook well for your husband but you have to go about learning a little surreptitiously because you literally tried to eat everyone a couple years ago and now they're all scared of you.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Uchiha Obito, Hatake Sakumo/Ootsutsuki Kaguya
Comments: 7
Kudos: 165





	Could Have Been Worse, She Could Have Asked Zetsu

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KenjoCatze](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KenjoCatze/gifts).



"Good morning, Naruto!"

"Good morni- eh?! K-kaguya?" The Uzumaki stumbles back a step or two, rather shocked by being greeted so casually in the street by the Rabbit Goddess. Though she'd been settling peacefully into domestic life in the village, it was hard to ignore the fact that a few months ago, she had very nearly wiped out all of humanity in the course of her deranged hunger. Seeing her going on walks and working a day job at Ichiraku was, to put it lightly, surreal.

"You wouldn't happen to be off to the ramen shop by chance, would you?"

"Uh... I mean, I wasn't, but honestly I'm kind of hungry now that you mention it, 'ttebayo." Naruto's stomach growls in affirmation of this fact.

"You working today, Mrs. Hatake?"

Kaguya smiles warmly, but there's a shadow of concern on her face.

"Not today. I was actually planning to cook a big meal at home today. Though..." she pauses, "... I've been struggling to get the hang of modern cooking. I can follow a recipe well-enough, and my cooking is passable, but I overheard the Akimichi boy talking to his friends the other day about how my skills in preparing ramen don't quite meet Ichiraku's standards."

"I'm sure Choji didn't mean for you to overhear that! He's just really critical when it comes to food. I mean, maybe you just need more practice, you know?"

Suddenly, an idea pops into his head.

“Hey, maybe I could help you with your cooking practice! I actually helped out with something like that on a really important rescue mission?”

“A rescue mission?”

“Yeah. See, there were these ninja who wanted to make really good food in the field, since rations are kinda bland, ‘ttebayo. But they were too good at making delicious food and all their ninja ate too much and got really fat. But they heard that Ichiraku had this recipe for diet ramen, so...” Naruto rambles on for a while, recounting an incredibly convoluted experience that, to be quite honest, sounded like poorly thought-out filler from some long-running anime. Kaguya listens patiently, though, and she even seemed to take mild interest at a few points, such as when Naruto mentions using the Rasengan to prep the noodle dough.

“So, you’re saying that chakra can be used to improve cooking?” she asks once Naruto seems done with his story.

“I mean, I don’t think we could have made ramen for so many people at once without using ninjutsu,” the boy responds, perhaps not entirely aware of the chakra-devourer’s understanding.

“I would love if you could show me, Naruto. I want to be able to cook delicious meals for the customers, and even more, I’d like my husband and son to be able to eat the finest meals I can provide them. Why, you’re virtually my grandson as well, so I should be learning to cook for your sake, too!”

-

“Thanks for inviting me over, Naruto. I can’t believe you actually cooked dinner!” Sakura beams as she walks through the door. 

“It’s been such a long day at the hospital. I was pretty surprised to get your invitation, you know. We’ve both been so busy lately, it’s going to be nice to catch up!”

“Yeah. Uh, go ahead and sit down on the couch. I’ll go get our bowls, and you can put your feet up on the table if you want.”

“What are we having, anyway?”

“Ramen!”

Naruto hears a small snort from the living room.

“Wait, so when you said we were having a home-cooked meal, you meant instant noodles? I mean, I’m fine with it, but you know that’s not usually what people will assume when you say ‘home-cooked,’ right?”

“It’s made from scratch, actually! Noodles, broth, everything!” He announces this as he comes through the doorway with two steaming bowls in hand, the aroma of  _ Shōyu _ broth wafting through the air. Sakura looks impressed, but also slightly apprehensive. She’s not sure how good her squadmate is about checking the expiration date on anything not packaged to endure a century.

“When did you take the time to do all this?”

“Oh, well, you know… ever since the war, things have been pretty peaceful, so I’ve had to find ways to keep myself busy.” He’s clearly lying, but Sakura is too hungry to press the issue right now. A quick  _ itadakimasu  _ and they’re both digging in.

“This… this is actually really nice, Naruto!” she manages in between mouthfuls.

“Anything it needs? You can tell me, don’t try to spare my feelings or anything!”

“Hmm… well, I guess if anything… the bamboo shoots are kind of tough. Not so tough that I can’t eat them, but they probably could have cooked for a little longer.”

“Anything else?”

“Not really. I’m not an expert on ramen, but I still think it’s pretty good.”

“HEY KAGUYA, DID YOU GET THAT?”

“Kaguya?!” Sakura’s eyes are wide with shock as the Rabbit Goddess glides in from the kitchen, dressed in pastel purple house clothes and the frilliest apron ever. Though she’s been cooking all day, her appearance is immaculate.

“Ms. Haruno, thank you so much for your advice! I asked dear Naruto here to present my cooking as his own, so you could form an opinion without feeling intimidated.”

“Uhhhh…” Inwardly the pinknette is wondering if the alien woman is about to smite her for not unconditionally praising her cooking.

“I was recently informed that my cooking skills were short of perfect, and I can’t inflict that on my dear husband and son. I will take what you’ve said to heart, dear Sakura. May your vegetables be tender and flavorful from this day on!” And before Sakura can say or do anything in response, Kaguya plants a kiss on her forehead.

The kunoichi steps back, feeling a little dizzy from all this.

“A-any time, Miss Kaguya.”

-

“Eh, I suppose this means I won’t have to deal with the trouble of cooking dinner tonight.”

“Doesn’t your girlfriend take care of that, Shikamaru?”

“We’re on a rotation, Kiba.”

“I’m usually the one that cooks dinner when my girlfriend stays over- my Karui loves my cooking!”

Kiba scoffs. “Well, I’m gonna make sure that I get a wife who can cook.”

“Shouldn’t be hard, I think you’re less of a picky eater than Akamaru!” Chouji laughs.

“Look, it’s okay if he’s picky. He’s getting to be an old man, his stomach isn’t what it used to be.”

“Fair enough, I guess.”

“All right, everyone, who’s hungry?” Naruto comes in through the kitchen door, backed by a few  _ kage bunshin _ . Between them they have eight steaming bowls of ramen, a plate of onigiri, and a steaming pot of udon in fragrant seafood broth.

“Whoa whoa whoa, Naruto, you made all this for us?” Kiba tilts his head like a curious dog.

“What? Is it too much?”

“There’s enough here for us to eat two meals!”

“Well, I’m not expecting you guys to eat all of it. Just eat what you want.”

“Seems like an awful lot of trouble for you to go through just to waste a bunch of time and money on food,” Shikamaru points out.

“Hey, do you want this stuff or not?!”

“I don’t see why not. It just seems suspicious, that’s all.”

“Well, I’ll have your food if you don’t want it, Shikamaru! I just got back from a mission yesterday and I need to recover!” Chouji laughs heartily.

“I doubt you could eat this much, even with your metabolism,” the Nara pauses, thinking, “Though considering what I’ve seen your technique do to your caloric needs, I can’t say it’s impossible.”

“All right, I’ll consider this a challenge!”

“I actually want to eat my fill to, you know.”

“Right, but I’ll polish off anything you can’t fit in your tiny stomach, no problem.”

“Hmm… I still think there isn’t much chance. Want to make a bet out of it?”

“Heck yeah!”

Meanwhile, Kiba has already started slurping down noodles in the background.

-

“So, what did you guys think?”

“I think Chouji’s going to be out for a while.”

The Akimichi is slumped over the table in a daze, three bowls sitting in front of him, with two completely empty and the third holding only dregs of broth and a few soggy vegetables.

“Yeah… what about the food, though? Pretty good, huh?” Naruto changes course, his concern for Chouji momentary, if even that.

“It was really good, Naruto!”

“You should have cooked the noodles a little less,” Shikamaru points out bluntly, taking a sip of his tea. “The hot broth cooks the noodles further when they’re sitting in the bowl. Before you serve them, you should leave them undercooked by a minute.”

“Ugh, of course you’d be all strategic about it, Shikamaru.”

“Actually, now that he mentions it,” Kiba adds, a little sheepish, “Kind of in the same area about things being overcooked or soggy… the tempura on the chicken got soggy from sitting in the broth for so long. Maybe you should serve that on the side or something? Don’t get me wrong, it was really good, but… you know, since you’re asking, it’s not rude for me to tell you, right?”

“No, no, it’s cool. Actually… HEY, KAGUYA!”

“K-kaguya?!” Kiba startles.

“Ah. I thought so,” mutters Shikamaru

“Zzz…” snores Chouji.

The goddess enters the room, a soup ladle in one hand, her other hand open in a gesture of greeting to her guests. She looks spectacular as always, dressed in a pale blue bunny-patterned yukata.

“You wanted Naruto to tell us this was his cooking so we’d feel comfortable about criticizing it,” Shikamaru looks utterly unimpressed.

“Yes, and I thank you for your honest words! My dream is to cook the best comfort food in all of Konoha, you see.”

“S-so you’re not mad at me for saying the chicken was soggy?”

“Not at all, not at all, Kiba! Actually, I appreciate that you suggesting what I could do to improve! From now on, may your tempura cutlets be crispy on the outside and juicy from within!” She plants a kiss on his forehead, which leaves Kiba reeling.

“And you, Nara Shikamaru, I know you’re considered to be extremely clever by your peers. I will keep my noodles undercooked until I add them to the broth. May your noodles be cooked to perfection from this day forward.” Shikamaru lets Kaguya kiss him. Dodging out of the way would be too much trouble.

“And Chouji… I hope my cooking leaves you with sweet dreams.” Another kiss.

Then, as if a cloud carried along by a gentle wind, she drifts back into the kitchen.

“Interesting,” Shikamaru mutters, touching the spot where Kaguya had kissed him.

“Eh? What is it, Shikamaru?” Naruto asks, while Kiba continues to spaz out in the background.

“It’s nothing. Just thinking.”

-

“Welcome home, my love!”

“Kaguya! I’m so happy to see you!” Sakumo beams, the lines of his face softened by years by his smile.

“What have you been up to, moonbeam?”

“I’ve been practicing my cooking! I’ve learned so much in just a few short days, and I can’t wait to see what you and our son think!”

Sakumo kisses his wife’s cheek tenderly.

“I can’t wait, cottontail. Will Kakashi be coming over soon?”

“Yes. I’m expecting him and Obito to be over in around half an hour.”

“Wonderful. I’ll help you set the table, and maybe you can tell me a little more about what you’ve been learning.”

A little over thirty minutes later, Kakashi and Obito stride through the door, both looking rather tired. The green-skin man also looks a little nervous, but that’s to be expected when one’s mother-in-law is a chakra-consuming alien goddess. She gestures for them to sit down, fussing a little over Kakashi’s hair as she does so.

“Maa… Mom, you cooked all this?”

“I did! I had the help of many of Konoha’s best shinobi, too!”

“How did they all fit in the kitchen?” Obito asked.

“Oh, they didn’t help me directly! I got some advice and such from them.”

“Advice… ‘and such?’” Kakashi’s not sure if he trusts his mother being vague like that. It’s true that she loves her extended family and doesn’t seem to harbor malevolent machinations anymore, but he doesn’t let it escape him that she’s an alien and maybe still doesn’t always understand what is and isn’t… socially acceptable.

If Kaguya catches the implication of her son’s misgivings, however, she doesn’t give any indication of it.

“Dig in, dig in! The vegetables are tender, the tempura is crispy, and the noodles should be cooked just right!”

No one’s going to be told twice. They all start to eat.

“Wow, mom, this… wow. I actually think this might be the best ramen I’ve ever had.”

“It’s incredible, babe.”

“Yeah, Mrs. Kakashi’s-Mom, it’s really good, thanks!”

Munch, munch, munch…

_ POOF! _

“Uhhhh?!”

“Oh dear…”

“Maa… this could be more embarrassing.”

Two five year-old children and a young man sit at the table, looking anywhere from bemused to mortified.

“Aaaaaahhhhh!” screams Obito, nearly falling out of his chair.

“Bakashi, what happened?!”

“The ramen was probably magical, idiot.”

“Kaguya, darling, lunar light, love of my life… did you feed us magical ramen?”

Kaguya looks genuinely surprised, but not unhappy.

“The  _ jinchuuriki _ told me that using chakra in cooking was a good idea…”

“You put chakra into our food?”

She sighs. “I stole a little chakra from everyone that tried my cooking- just a little. I thought that maybe if I matched it to changes in my technique that they wanted, their energy would react positively and make my cooking even better.”

“Well, you may not have been wrong, dear, but I think your experimental cooking may have had some unintended side-effects?”

“You think?!” hollers Obito, exasperated.

“This could be wonderful, though! We don’t need to fix it right away! Think about it. I could have this time to live out all those lost, beautiful years I could have had with the two of you! I can buy little rabbit footie pajamas for Kakashi, and we can all go for a family photo, dressed in cute little outfits!”

“What am I, chopped liver?” the Uchiha mutters. He is ignored.

“Oh, I could spoil you rotten, Kakashi dear. And Sakumo, darling, think what this could do for your career! You’re in the prime of your life now, the whole world is at your fingertips! You’ll have so much energy, we can go on all sorts of fun, romantic outings…”

“Mom, this isn’t really a good time for something like this?”

“Oh, I know dear, I know, you’re the Hokage, you can’t remain a child, but… just for a little while? Humor your poor mother, won’t you?”

“That’s… you know, that’s actually something I should be concerned about. That’s not actually what I was worrying about, though.”

“B-bakashi, we weren’t going to tell them yet! Not until we know what’s going on!”

“We know what’s going on, idiot.”

Sakumo raised an eyebrow. “Kakashi? What are the two of you talking about?”

“Obito and I have been trying to get the nursery at our apartment ready.”

“Nursery?”

“Well, you see, a few months ago this weird floating egg showed up at our place…”

“I’M GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER?”

The entire room is suddenly awash in soft, white, lunar-goddess light.

Kaguya.exe has stopped working.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> For the Sloaners 2019 Secret Santa New Years event, a gift for the amazing Kenjo.


End file.
